Anger bounces

Are we responsible for the happiness of our spouse?

Have you ever had a day when everything you did rubbed your spouse the wrong way; you left something in the driveway after spending a day organizing the garage, you overcooked his favorite steak, his favorite shirt is clean, but not ironed, etc, etc.

A day in which you really are making a special effort to please, and it all turns out wrong. You feel snubbed, unappreciated, hurt, and then pouty, angry, introverted, indignant, judgmental, then furious, livid, outraged and then on the verge of divorce -- all in about the first 20 minutes he gets home from work.

I have something to say that might sound absolutely insane.

Your spouse takes his anger out on you because he loves you.

That’s right.

You are his safe harbor. You love him no matter what. All that he can’t express out in the world he comes home to dump on you. It is not personal. (In fact, when people aim their negativity at us, it NEVER is -- wrap your brain around THAT.)

Because we are the closest to his heart, the dearest, the most precious, we are chosen to take the brunt of the pain he is feeling over his encounters out in the world.

Whoa. I know, I sound like a saint. But understanding this dynamic is so key to the health of any relationship.

if we absorb this insight, and apply it, our marital relationship will hum along with the most beautiful harmony.

Why?

Because that anger must be expended, and if we as women are strong enough to hold on to our truth -- that we KNOW we are loved, cared for, cherished and adored -- and that the junk spewing out of the man’s mouth who you’ve shared a home and a bed and a thousand meals with for whatever length of time is NOT BEING DIRECTED AT YOU PERSONALLY, forgiveness will be possible. Even beyond forgiveness; you will SKIP forgiveness entirely and move on to the moment at hand which may be a tender moment, a joking comment (AS IF HE HAD NO IDEA HOW HE HURT ME - can you hear yourself?), an embrace, a smile or a hot lovemaking session.

Except, none of this will occur if you are still back there in the hurt and anger and resentment of what transpired 20 minutes or 2 hours or a day or even a year or ten before.

Yes, we can hold onto it that long. It can poison us, and poison our marriage.

“I remember the time he....” and we confess to our girlfriends our almost-memorized litany of offenses. And every time we recount it, we feel the pain all over again. We open the wound, dig around in there and keep it live and putrefying.

WE DO IT TO OURSELVES.

We hurt ourselves. We HURT ourselves.

Let’s review:

1.) Our husbands anger is not directed at us, is not about us, it is not personal, and it is actually a sign of trust and comfort level. (Unless we have done something that is clearly an offense; but in this case, I am referring to what could be considered unfounded criticism, volatility, and general explosiveness.)

2.) We can choose to absorb the anger and take it personally or deflect it, reframe it, let it bounce -- planting ourselves firmly in our truth -- that our spouse loves us and this moment is passing and can be let go just like a breeze through the trees.

3.) If we hold on to it, we run the risk of missing out on all the good, loving, scrumptious moments that are in the waiting. We won’t be in the mood, we will reject any advances, and hang on to the justified nature of our anger and ultimately, return the anger magnified, causing the cycle to repeat itself and real pain to be inflicted.

4.) If we nurse our hurt, keeping an accounting, giving energy to the resentment with our thoughts, by retelling the stories of injustice, by mulling over the events “and then he said, and then I said...”, etc etc... we will set our relationship on a doomed path, be the enzyme that in the end breaks up our family and even end up with irreversible physical illness.

Our thoughts are powerful. Each one creates a new universe. I read a story once in a book called “Love Is Letting Go of Fear” by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D. . He recounted a tale of a waitress in a restaurant, who came the table with a curled lip, an impatient attitude and proceeded to systematically ruin their dinner by providing a substandard service. He left a miserable tip, almost an insult and exited the restaurant with slight indigestion.

What he didn’t know is that the young girl had recently lost her husband, she was rearing young twins alone, far from her family and her boss had just threatened her with reducing her hours since business was slow, and she was 5 days late on her rent.

In the end we have no idea what our husband may be holding back; he may not want to share the difficulties that he’s faced during the day. Maybe home needs to be a safe haven, where he can expel his angry, frustrated energy and where you let it bounce.