THIS IS A RESPONSE TO SHERRI'S COMMENT ON MY PREVIOUS POST:
Please read this first...
strong words that ring true... but let's get down to the nitty gritty?
what is virtue?
what is purity?
as adolescent girls, as girlfriends, as wives, as mothers, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law...
i think this opens up a huge can of worms... but one worth sifting through so we can talk in tangible terms.
there are a number of important realms where i feel these concepts apply...
survey SAYS:
1. SEXUAL BEHAVIOR
2. DRESS/OUTWARD FACE/IMAGE
3. INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS IN THE HOME: FAMILY/EXTENDED FAMILY
4. INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS OUTSIDE THE HOME: FRIENDS/COMMUNITY/WORK
5. WHAT WE TEACH OUR CHILDREN
6. WHAT SOCIETY REFLECTS TO US AS TRUE
re: sexual behavior...
we who are out in the 'world' are taught by tv and movies and oftentimes the behavior of our parents or peers, that it's okay to meet someone, have sex, go home, meet someone else have sex, ad nauseum.
we who are raised Christian are told to stay chaste and save ourselves. this concept out of the context of the church to most seems utterly ridiculous. because kids become sexually active so young, we all know and have observed all around us that relationships don't last. so it is natural when the first boyfriend doesn't 'work out', one moves on to the next.
the casual nature with which we treat the relationships i believe is the issue more than the sexual activity.
we rationalize abandoning a relationship because we are bored, the sex isn't that great, he has bad habits, he isn't on the same path, because we got a job on the coast, because we liked someone else better....... etc, etc...
it may be okay to have sex young (look at Romeo and Juliet)...sexual attraction is the first thing that draws us to our mate. But what keeps us together is creating a partnership in which the man is the leader and provider and the woman is the nurturer and homemaker.
without that balance of roles, i believe NO relationship can work out.
woman are by nature very capable, oftentimes more so than men. evolved to be multi-taskers, with a facility for human relationships and a high emotional IQ, capable of learning any task a man can.
BUT, once we take that step; once we prove that we can make it on our own, it opens the door to break off a relationship for any reason.
what we don't know is that our role is to encourage the man in our life by the love and attention we give him to go out in the world and conquer it. Think Helen of Troy... men will do anything for love. they will do anything to win the woman of their dreams. they will create amazing technologies, build tall buildings, maybe even start wars... but if we don't hang back and give them the opportunity to shine; they won't.
if we are better than them at everything, they will feel increasingly insecure.
if we tell them how to manage themselves, and continually criticize assuming we know better than they, we will undermine their self-assurance and confidence.
the balance is that we choose not to act, and provide a springboard for them to go out and do amazing things.
why is this better for us?
in the home, we can be master artists, decorators, amazing chefs, seamstresses, gardeners, we can dedicate ourselves to whatever form of self-expression we prefer; writing, singing, painting or sculpture. that doesn't mean be LAZY; any mother with kids knows that spare time is golden, but a WORKING MOTHER will tell you spare time is an impossibility, and a SINGLE WORKING MOTHER will only role her eyes and say, "what, me? take a long bath, write a poem? i can't even get my bed made or even brush my hair before walking out the door"
the key is this symbiotic relationship i believe we are meant to form opens the door for both men AND women to be all they were meant to be; to fulfill the potential G-d sent us into this reality with from the day we came shooting out of our mother's womb...
But on the contrary, we are taught as women to compete with men, that if we do not pursue a profession outside the home we are wasting our talent, that if we don't work we are LAZY.
(could that be a strategy of the big corporations to create double income homes so there would be more cash pumped into buying what the media says is necessary for a quality lifestyle???? by the credit card companies to get families in debt so women HAVE TO work just to keep their heads above water....)
and then the ramifications in society of a mother absent from the home, and children left to be raised by low-paid daycare assistants without much training or education. latch key kids, who don't know what a home-cooked meal is, who do homework alone, who go out and play and get into trouble because there is no one to notice where they went and with whom...
there is no substitute for what a woman can do in the home for her husband and for her children; the hats she wears are endless and provide more than ample opportunity for her to shine and grow in a million different ways.
if she goes out and works for some company, she will only shine in one.
and it could never bring the same satisfaction as it does to observe the pride of success in her husbands eyes or the contentment of having happy, grounded, balanced and nurtured children.
no fat check or promotion are substitute.
the other side of the coin is that when couples say their marriage vows they almost invariably state they will be together "in good times and bad". this is the biggest bunch of lip-service crap i have ever heard.
when the going gets tough, most couples shatter.
why?
a woman who works can send her man to hell on a dime.
a woman who does not, must stay and work it out.
very simple. too simple.
the problem is, now that the feminist revolution has taken place, and women know they can compete in the working world, a woman who chooses to refrain from it, is almost choosing her jail; willingly forcing herself into a position of needing her spouse. that is, if she sees it from that perspective.
if she could only stick around long enough to experience the joy that comes from overcoming difficult moments as a unit... if she could only hang in there to see all the fruits of a joint investment of life energy... if she could only have a little faith that even though today her spouse is being an insensitive asshole, tomorrow the clouds will clear and her meekness and humility will pay off in spades.
but most women these days don't have the ovaries.
that's why we need a network of support; not friends who say, "you don't need that guy, dump him, he's a jerk...you can come stay with me" etc...
we as women tend to 'support' each other in that way; we rarely help each other to stick it out.
this topic is enormous and only the tip of the iceberg...
i need help from all you ladies out there to speak from your experience...
maybe i'm deluded; coming from such a heavy duty feminist training in college, a lifetime of being a working professional, i would never in a million years have dreamed i would write these words... but after 2 failed marriages, and two more failed live-in situations with endless 'possibilities' in between, and after having to humbly admit that something i was doing was not working... life presented me with an opportunity and a challenge to try something different.
and if i weren't happy, if i didn't feel at peace and in balance (in a way meditation and 12 step meetings never achieved) if i had not watched myself become younger and more beautiful as the burden of carrying the world on my shoulders slipped off my back and onto my spouses... if i hadn't experienced it for myself, after a lifetime of suffering through relationship after relationship, i would never be able to write these words...
love to hear your feedback... What are your thoughts?
blessings,
mhope
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