To Obey is to Hear

The parting of the Red Sea

o·bey
1. to comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions of:


Word Origin & History
late 13c., from O.Fr. obeir, from L. oboedire "obey, pay attention to, give ear," lit. "listen to," from ob "to" + audire "listen, hear" (see audience).


It’s been a while since I’ve written. I stopped believing that I knew anything at all. That the ‘revelations’ I had had were all well and good, but my ability to follow through on what I was preaching seemed all too limited. I figured if I couldn’t live what I believed, I sure as heck shouldn’t be putting it out there in writing to the world at large.

I turned to poetry. I turned inward. I stopped exposing my musings to an anonymous public. All the sudden it seemed too scary and I felt too vulnerable.

The thoughts I was putting down on virtual paper were not popular. They sounded crazy, even to me. Laughably antiquated. They seemed to be falling on deaf ears.

But there was one voice. And she said, “You were right.”  I shared with her how I gave up on the modest dressing -- my husband (who is not my legal husband) thought it was ridiculous, especially in 100 degree weather. I didn’t even try to explain to him. It just dawned on me that whatever revelations I may have about modest dress or any other feminine behavior are secondary to my spouse's will and desire.

And as I write this I am scarfing down an English muffin without tasting it. The bile in my stomach is too overwhelming. I am fresh off a fight with my significant other over something entirely insignificant, stupid even.

This is how it goes.

He tells me to do something.

I do it my way. Differently. Or not at all.

He explodes and sends me to hell.

I drive/march/walk/run off in a huff of righteous anger.

I cool down. I pick up food and head back to camp. He eats...or even better -- we have wild, savage make-up sex (you know the kind) while we pretend like nothing happened.

In the meantime I’ve screamed a thousand obscenities at him in my mind. I’ve killed him even. I’ve left him surely. I’ve found independence, recovered my “real” life, the one I used to have before I became dependent and useless.

I am like the Hebrews longing for Egypt after they’ve already come through the Red Sea.

If you’re unfamiliar with Bible stories, I’ll fill you in. The Hebrews lived 400 years of enslaved tyranny under the Egyptians. It took 10 plagues including the death of every firstborn to convince the Egyptians that maybe it was preferable that the Hebrews go along their merry way and they find some other peons to build their pyramids.

They let them go, regretted it, went after them and had them seemingly cornered with their armies and chariots with the Hebrew’s back up against an impassable sea.

Moses raised his arm and the waters spread.

The Egyptians followed and the seas rolled back into place while they enjoyed their last swim.

It should have been enough.

I don’t know the exact timeframe. And many would say it’s a legend anyway. Regardless, the lesson is as real as my mother.

As the story goes, on their way to the promised land the Hebrews got sick of manna from flippin’ HEAVEN and started to long for leeks and onions by the Nile river.

In other words, they were whining to go back to their lives as slaves.

Understandably, their G-d was P****D.

Well, I have lived under similar tyranny. Enslaved. Oppressed and downtrodden. I have been freed by the Grace of G-d and experienced true miracles first hand.

I have been called to do nothing but obey and follow the one true G-d.

And His representation here on earth is personified by the man in my life.

And all I can do is seethe. Rebel. Rail against his demanding, neurotic nature. The insanity and incoherence of his decisions.

I am free. I am cared for. Every day.

And the smallest things I am asked to do, I cannot do.

I am to follow without question and I do not.
I am to obey without question and I cannot.

My response to challenge, question, analyze, criticize, correct and defy is so strongly imprinted, I feel I am helpless against it.

All I can do is pray for Divine Intervention. And hope that you all -- you who hear, understand and sympathize -- will pray along with me.

To obey is to hear. Nothing more, nothing less. And I don’t know how to listen. Yet.

Five reasons I must do as my husband tells me...

1.) When two people try to row a boat, each in their own direction, it goes in circles or goes nowhere or sinks.

2.) Because humility and submission build strength of character and kill the ego, which is the goal of Buddhist practice as I understand it.

3.) Because faith without question in the male as head of the household injects him with the energy he needs to accomplish what is necessary. A man who is constantly questioned, made to explain himself or challenged will become frustrated, will doubt himself, will feel unsupported, and will inevitably falter.

4.) Because if I allow him to call the shots and firmly hold the reins, he also holds the responsibility and the accountability, which is infinitely more comfortable for me as wife. (here’s an aside; I had a running joke with at least three different spouses -- yes, I’ve been working on an honorary Elizabeth Taylor award -- whenever I would doubt him and almost inevitably find out he was right, I would repeat like a mantra, ‘I will never doubt you again’. And we would laugh. But now I realize, I would say it, but I would never mean it, because I was unwilling to let them --- the men --- lead. I was trained that men are untrustworthy, that they are incapable, that they will fail you, that it is better to be strong and independent and send them straight to hell if they don’t comply or behave -- thus the running string of unsuccessful relationships).

5.) It is divine order, the way things were meant to be. It’s not that woman can’t lead or call the shots, that we’re not strong enough or we’re too stupid NOOOOO! It’s that by design we were meant to be protected and cared for and when we are, when we truly feel shielded, that we have a man who would kill the bastard who touched a hair on our head, we can relax. We can lay down our weapons and our shield. We can live serenely and dedicate ourselves to loving and nurturing our spouse and our families. We are no longer in a fight or flight, adrenalin-pumped state. We can grow our hair and nails long. Create beautiful, comfortable homes. Focus on our children. Really be with them and listen to them and just hold them; not shove 5 minutes of quality time in at the end of a long day of battling it out at the office.

Talk about a topic that would be unpopular with the feminists. I repeat, I would never have dreamed in a gajillion years that I would write these words.

They come from repeated trial and error and from a scientific mind, an objective, analytical mind that had to admit after life beat the shit out of her in relationships, that something was out of balance.

By the way, I did try women.

But the answer to me balancing my overly masculine energy was not to pair up with a woman. The answer was to find a man who was man enough to be my man.

Finally.

ps.



I searched on 'obedience' in Google, and this cartoon about women trying to teach their husbands to obey was all I could come up with. May be a clue about the nature of relationships in today's world, and how obedience is a term that can only be applied to dogs and dominated husbands.